Thursday, October 31, 2013

#MovingForward

Online Bible Study:  A Confident Heart by Renee Swope

This weeks assignment:  Share a #MovingForward story...

About two years ago I got a devastating call from my mom.  We argued, then her last words to me were, "I'm gracefully bowing out as your mother".  This was by far, over everything devastating that I had ever been through, my all time moment of brokenness.  I had just had a child of my own two months before.  My mom was there for the birth of my son and, without going into all the details, it's fair to say that my hospital experience was not a good one.  What was supposed to be the most precious moment of my life became just the opposite.  My mom shared with me afterwards (in the phone calls to come) that she felt the same.  Like always, there are two sides to every story.  Words were said, feelings were hurt, and ultimately it was the last straw and the end to our relationship. 

Prior to that devastating phone conversation, I had written my mom a letter.  I felt like I had to get all my thoughts down on paper.  I didn't want to just send her a letter though.  I wanted to actually talk to her in person.  I wanted to make sure she knew how much I loved her but that there were things that bothered me about the hospital visit as well as things that we had been through in the past.  My husband, new born son, and I went to her house one day so I could read her the letter.  I got everything off my chest that day, then we hugged, visited for a little longer, then  my family and I left.  I heard from my sisters later that day that my mom shared the letter with them as soon as we had left.  She told them how upset she was with what I had said.  I was really saddened to hear this because that was not the reaction she had given me.  Nor was it ever my intent to make her upset.  My intent was to get some things off my chest and find a way we could start over and try to build a healthy relationship.  The letter ended up being very hurtful in her eyes.  So hurtful that she didn't even want to be my mother anymore.

Over these last two years I've texted and called her in an attempt to mend things.  I also saw her once at my sisters high school graduation and I apologized to her in person.  However, none of those attempts have been received.  I've thought long and about this and I've prayed over and over.  I've hoped that God would give me a sign or tell me what I should do to make this right. 

These last two years have been tough.  I went through mourning the loss of her.  My poor husband has had to listen to me cry and vent about it too many times.  Even to this day, I get very sad and I miss her, but God has been working on my heart.  My faith in Him has grown even stronger as little by little I have grown stronger.  He has given me the strength to pick myself up and #MoveForward.  I still have hope that one day our relationship can be mended and we will be a part of each others lives, but until then, I will have to keep moving forward.  It's so important for me not to live in the past or dwell on what has happened.  Doing that would never make anything better.  In fact, it would just hinder my spirit and ability to be a happy person, a good wife, a better mom.  So I will continue to hope in the Lord, have faith in Him, and #MoveForward!!!   

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