This weeks assignment: What does God say about #WhoIAm
Why is it that the first thought to run through my head is always a negative thought? An insecure thought? How do I turn that around and it automatically be a positive thought? I really need to work on this and sort of "re-train" my brain. You would think that the one place where I would feel truly accepted would be at church, right? Well it's not for me. I have the most self-doubt when I walk through those doors. I'm pretty sure this is all at the hands of Satan, never the less, he gets me every time...
It was our pastors 15th anniversary last Sunday and I was so looking forward to going to the reception and service. My family and I have only been members of the church for a little over a year, but our pastor had such a significant impact in our spiritual lives. I really wanted to express my gratitude. We were ready to leave for church that morning, my husband was putting our 7 month old in the car, and I sat my 2 year old on the bed to put his shoes on then all of the sudden he got sick and threw up everywhere. Ugh. Poor baby was crying and looked so pitiful. I told my husband to go ahead and go to church and I would stay back to take care of Joe. My husband and Lexi left and about 5 minutes later Joe got sick again. I texted my husband to stop by the store and pick up a few things on his way home. Instead, he just turned around and came home to help me take care of Joe. I didn't want him to miss church or the reception either. For some reason, even though my son was sick, I had a feeling a guilt come over me. That feeling stuck with me in my mind and my heart until Wednesday night when we went to church and I ran into our pastor. I told him why we missed Sunday and he was so understanding. Of course he was understanding. Why wouldn't he be? These thoughts of mine are all on me.
The very same night my good old insecurities took over my mind. We can always count on them, right? Ugh. So the couples in our grow group were all sitting together for dinner prior to class starting...and I got a "hello" from them, but I feel so distant from them. I feel like they all have established relationships and I'm not a part of it. The typical thoughts run through my head...did I do something wrong? do they not like me? why can't I come up with something good to say, to ask, to talk about? Again, my negative thoughts and insecurities rule me.
These were just two examples that happened to me this past week. There were many more. That's so sad to me. I've been loving this book and relating to everything I've read, so why can't I walk in my shoes confidently on a daily basis? I will be studying the following verses, to learn about Who I Am in Christ:
I am accepted: I am a friend of Jesus Christ, as His disciple. ~John 15:15
I am secure: I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances. ~Romans 8:28
I am significant: I m a minister of reconciliation for God. ~5: 17-21
I've been reading other blogs this evening from the OBS and they've all been so uplifting and so inspiring. I know that my post tonight has been nothing short of a downer. This is just me...me being real and telling it like is was for me this week. I'm working on getting better and overcoming my insecurities. It's just going to take time.
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